6 Weeks later...

So I took Provera for 3 weeks with no results, and then they gave me Megace (which they also give to women with uterine cancer) and this didn't work either...

So One day before I am scheduled to leave town for my wedding, they resort to good old fashioned overdose... I took two doses of your standard birth control pill per day until the bleeding stopped (on the morning of my wedding) 4 days later.

And so... Now I wait. The doctors have asked me to not try to get pregnant until I have finished this course of hormone therapy (their words, not mine...). So I should be done before the end of the week... They are hoping to get a base line "read" of what my cycle does naturally. HA HA HA. My new husband is so excited about trying to get pregnant he is willing to throw all caution to the wind. At least I feel a bit more hopeful. It could work...

It seems a though my posts have turned into menstrual cycle nightmares, but I am also hopeful that soon I will have something more fun to write about... In the mean time I am going back to my book. I have been enjoying doing absolutely nothing for the past few days. I am starting to get into the swing of wanting to get my house back (from the disaster area) (oh and we are moving... More on that later) but for another day or so I am going to keep my feet on the ottoman and do nothing... I think I deserve it :)

I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding love...

So... day 9 of heavy flow comes to an end... I measured about 15ml of fluid in my diva cup this evening, collected between 4:30 and 11:30. I go to the doctor on Tuesday afternoon. All my fears about infertility are waking up slowly, and I keep hearing what they said before about hysterectomy and I just want to cry big fat sloppy tears.

I guess I am going to have to get used to the idea of the ONE thing I have wanted for years not happening. I know there are treatments, and I can possibly get pregnant, but I don't want to get my hopes to far up. I am feeling sad, disappointed, and oh so helpless, all guaranteed to make type a personalities like me a walking basket case.

I don't need this stress on top of all the other things, it just feels like, I can't keep my head from going under. I want to lay down, and sleep for days. Life would be so perfect if I could afford to rest, and not worry about house, school, work, and wedding. I mean it when I say that I will take a break after August 13th. I will not take on anything above and beyond what I must do to survive. I will work, be with my new husband, sleep, read books, and hope that I get pregnant.

I don't know if you pray dear reader, but if you do, please say a small prayer for me. I am selfish to ask, I know...

I'm sorry for the roller coaster... I am hoping that be the end of next week I'll be in better shape.

I will survive... hey hey

July First:

I get in the car to drive home after work... Pictures of you is on my radio. I smile, because I do when the Cure comes on my radio, and drive to pick up wedding favor tags that I made myself because I am awesome. I get home and I have $400 worth of candles sitting in my entry way. I bought Kevin's wedding gift today, and sent the rent check and I am finally starting to feel like I can make it work... It has been one hell of a month dear reader.

Are things perfect?

No!

I have to get a new car (read car loan :( ) and I still feel as though some times people don't listen to me. My headaches are getting worse, and I worry that I'll become a serial killer because the pain is so intense sometimes I black out, but I am not sleeping, or at least I don't think I am. The wedding still has a lot of things to plan and that makes me crazy. I am smoking again which makes everyone crazy including me.

But I have it under control. For now. I don't cry, or fantasize about running away. I don't day dream about a different life, what could have been, or any of the other things that get me lost in time. I had a great interview for a new program manager job, I didn't lose my job, I didn't die in a plane crash, car crash, or tripping down the stairs accident. I didn't cheat, lie or steal. I didn't have to say good bye to any friends this week. I got a great complement from my adviser, I feel like school is finally coming to a close, and I am almost ready. I feel like I can make it...

I feel like I can make it...

I can make it.

I can.

Awake...

At 3am... I guess drinking that Venti Cafe Estema from Starbucks during class tonight wasn't the best choice. And the doctor says I should be resting... TV is rest right? I mean at least this seasons conflicts on Veronica Mars are resolved in my head. Epic love affair with Logan, bus killer caught and dead, Lilly Kane murderer dead, all things wrapped up in neat and tidy little packages...

So I am feeling like writing, and since three people read this blog I guess it's safe to put down all my thoughts and feel safe...

I feel like writing a book about the last year of my life. I think it would make for a great story. I feel like writing a book about my summer of weddings, I also think it would make a great book. I feel like writing a book about my life. I'll devote a chapter to you my three dear readers... if I knew who you were. See there is this great thing on Blogger that can tell me you are looking, but not who you are... alas.

I spent an hour with my doctor today. He is such a nice man. A hiker, has a little boy, born last year, looks just like him... I am digressing. An hour... at first he thought maybe I was having a stroke. Good times... I mean I did walk in with a blinding headache (that I have had for the last two weeks in case anyone cares to know), and the disability to see straight. So full battery neurological exam, which included, I kid you not, wagging my tongue back and forth in my mouth. Sometimes I think that medical science if f&@king with me on purpose. Tongue wagging test past, and it was on to bright freaking lights shinned into my eyes which only causes the headache to intensify. Good times. After that it was the list o'stressors. Would you care to hear? Of course you would, The list:

- I found out that my wedding location has to be changed AGAIN.
- I was on a plane Sunday morning with my children and the landing gear wouldn't go down. We flew around Rochester for 45 minutes and it finally worked. We landed as far away from the gate as possible while still being at the airport, and were met by fire and emergency crews. All was fine and well and I was scared out of my mind by the look on the flight attendants face.
- Flying to California so that my future in-laws can meet the children from a previous marriage. (Oh and of course to see the man graduate from Caltech)
- Senior Celebration
- Heat exhaustion
- Cut day at work
- Getting a phone call from my boss and being balled out for saying "I think something might happen" to the wrong person
- Having my marriage hang by a thread while I look for ways to ruin peoples lives.
- Lets not forget that masters degree now
- Or the fact that I have been a single mom for the last 6 months and have still managed to pay my rent and the car insurance on time, well okay, before it cancels. You can thank me later :)

I have also discovered that I have no soul. That's whats causing the headaches. A total complete lack of soul. The human body can't hack it.

I allow myself three minutes to de-stress a day. You think I am kidding. My schedule for the next 2 months is so regimented that I have to look at my calendar to see if I have time to pee. Thank the Gods that the doctor made me take tomorrow (today really), off work... I'll actually be able to get something done here.

I want to sleep, I am tired, but I close my eyes and think of a different time, when things were simple, and life for women was baking, cooking, cleaning and raising children. I am the worlds worst feminist. I want things to go back to the way they were 100 years ago, when I was a simple Scottish wife and mother whose only claim to fame was the fact that she borne 12 live children who lived past their 14th birthday. At least that's what my past life regression says.

I digress a lot tonight. I am morose, and the headache is coming back despite the shot in the ass, filled with pain killers. I am beginning to think that the ice pick is looking like a good second. Lobotomies all around.

I think I am very slowly going insane from the pain.

This Week = FML

General Weekly Love Horoscope Influences
The rambunctious Aries Moon spurs spontaneous reactions on Friday and Saturday. These restless feelings might open the way to new people and exciting experiences, yet maintaining a harmonious attitude can be challenging in this impetuous sign. Everyone can't lead at the same time, so occasionally stepping back to play a supportive role could be essential to producing a cooperative environment. Thankfully, the Moon's shift into easygoing Taurus on Sunday morning gives us a day to relax and be grateful for life's blessings.

For the Week of May 23rd, 2011 --Sagittarius, Although the Aries Moon is hanging out in your 5th House of Romance this weekend, intense planetary aspects make Friday a less-than-mellow day. Innocent little remarks can trigger major emotional drama, so be careful about what you say. Saturday's atmosphere is much easier to handle, bringing opportunities for fresh forms of fun while your playful personality is bound to draw plenty of attention.

For the Week of May 23rd, 2011 -- Aries, The Moon's presence in your fiery sign heats up emotions this weekend. However, a lunar opposition to stern Saturn could block your advances on Friday night. Be selective about what you say and do if you want to avoid disappointment. A cautious approach to relationships may sound less exciting, but is more likely to earn you lasting trust and enduring love.


Wow...

I really Fucking Hate Wednesdays

Really... Wednesdays suck...


I feel like ass... bottled, and sold to dying men for their last dollar. I think I may be getting the stomach bug that I have heard so many rants about today. :(

Today the cards say:

Pentacles is symbolic of bounty and riches from the earth

Princess of Pentacles - The ability to create opportunities for growth and beauty. A woman who personifies these forces. The ability to work hard to create prosperity.

King of Pentacles - Steadfastness, the ability to create wealth, Real estate transactions.

Six of Pentacles - Philanthropy and generosity. Sharing talents with the world, helping others.

II Wisdom - An interest in spiritual knowledge, a teacher who will share with you what you seek - or perhaps you are the teacher. Wisdom gained in a graceful manner.


Okay... Go it. Live where you are...

Speaking Greek

S me im s I r al y feel as though I am speaking Greek, with half the letters missing.


The King of Cups - Ability to live one's ideals. Combining artistic integrity with the needs of the marketplace. Someone who symbolizes these forces.

(Seriously, I just flipped it over, top of the deck...)

You know Debra is menstrual when...

... she really wants to eat raw hamburger

... she wants to f%^k or cry all day

... she has this song stuck in her head

... she goes to the wegmans and comes home with an avocado, honey roasted cashews and pork chops

...she is overly dramatic (see the end of this post)

... she bursts into tears when she walks into the front door for no real reason at all.

Todays cards:

IV-Power- The ability to use power wisely. Awareness of ones power. The ability to lead and inspire others. Knowledge of how to work the system.
(This is so ironic given my day)

King of Staves - reversed - Wanting to harness these forces (dynamic stable enthusiasm), but unable to do so. Someone who seems supportive, but when push comes to shove has already lost interest.

Eight of Cups - Time to move on. Need for more substance in life - whether that be more satisfying relationships, a more authentic way of life. Leave takings.

Ten of Swords - The perfection of understanding. Wisdom gained after struggle. The ending of a difficult situation.

What a day... filled with emotion, lots of challenges, the sweetest perfection, and overall, perfect in this odd kind of way. Even though I broke into tears coming into the house from the grocery store. Even though my body aches from the challenges of today. Even though I wanted to fall asleep on the drive home, at class and even now... I had to get it out. I know days like today are rare, but as goddess as witness, I will not take one minute for granted. Thanks for communicating. Thanks for everything about today. Thanks for your help. Thanks.

All my love to you :)

Pull for the day...

Seven of cups - reversed - Allowing fantasies to influence how you view life - more objectivity is needed. Projecting on to others.

Sometimes it's better not to put that on Facebook

So... Maybe... a truce has been struck. Maybe. But I don't think posting the words that were playing on the radio when I got in my car were going to help that Truce...

"Lay my hands on heaven and the sun and the moon and the stars, while the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car..."

Now, I know good and well that it is just a song lyric (and now you do too), but... I am certain that isn't going to make for happy breakfast, so I think I'll skip Facebook-ing it.

And as if that were any better I got my period in the middle of the airport while waiting (FOREVER) for Heather and Payton to get off the plane.

Lastly before the cards, my mother is hiding something from me, and you know how I hate it when people hide things from me. Don't treat me like I'm stupid, just be straightforward with me. (She says its nothing, and I am going to let her have that for now.)

So the cards for tonight (random picks, I am feeling like processing the conversation and am hoping to shed light): (While shuffling, the king of pentacles and Transformation all made brief appearances, but they didn't seem to fit tonight.)

Eight of Swords - reversed - Obsession with problems to the detriment of others. Things may not be as bad as they seem

Queen of Staves - Intelligence applied to creating material goods, business expansion. Cleverness. A woman who embodies these ideas and inspires action.

Princess of Pentacles - reversed - Inertia or laziness; not taking action or responsibilities. Over-sensuality.

Too tired to post last night...

King of Pentacles - Steadfastness. The ability to create wealth. Someone who personifies these forces. Real estate transactions.

Wow... really?

Nine of Staves - reversed - Feeling overwhelmed by work. A break is needed (HAHAHAHAHAHA)

Four of swords - Need for introspection and healing. Recuperation from illness. Time to take a break from stressful situations.

Also.. Where will this lead?

Nine of Cups - Satisfaction. Contentment.Some consider this the wish card, meaning a wish will be granted if it appears in a spread.

Okay, so what about...

Nine of cups - reversed - Delay in granting your wish. Complacency. Taking a relationship for granted

Six of Staves -Victory. Acknowledgement and Honor

Four of Cups - Too Much of a good thing. Taking something for granted - Love, talents, beauty. Discontent or Boredom

XVII - The Star - Follow your dreams without fear - don't be afraid to make them happen! Success, good fortune, creativity

XVI - Oppression - Feeling overwhelmed, oppressed by circumstances or emotions. Like the Wawalak, the light has left your life; you are waiting to be released from the darkness.

Things I shouldn't say out loud....

Sometimes when I walk I glance down and see my tits swaying in such a pleasant way that I get turned on.

My Facebook profile picture is the hottest picture of me I have ever seen.

Last night I dreamed about having an affair with one of my classmates. The chantix dreams are nuts.

I am really not self absorbed.

Cards for today... (In case you are wondering, you will not get any questions, just answers, just go with it... It's good for you)

13 (funny how that number keeps coming up...) reversed - Transformation - Fear of Change

Ace of Swords - Pure understanding and wisdom. The ability to wield the sword wisely to gain order. Clarity and good judgement.

Prince of Swords - News that brings sense to a situation. Messages, communications. The Ability to create influence. Someone who personifies this role.

Four of Pentacles - reversed - Possibility of being overly miserly. Or being overly generous. Need to protect resources.

Considering the question, this is very interesting set to pull.

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Tarot draw today

I'm going to start doing this every day... at least one card every day:

5 of Swords - Uncomfortable truce, possible defeat or feelings of defeat, but is it really over? Discomfort or struggle with a situation, Need for self-protection.