I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding love...

So... day 9 of heavy flow comes to an end... I measured about 15ml of fluid in my diva cup this evening, collected between 4:30 and 11:30. I go to the doctor on Tuesday afternoon. All my fears about infertility are waking up slowly, and I keep hearing what they said before about hysterectomy and I just want to cry big fat sloppy tears.

I guess I am going to have to get used to the idea of the ONE thing I have wanted for years not happening. I know there are treatments, and I can possibly get pregnant, but I don't want to get my hopes to far up. I am feeling sad, disappointed, and oh so helpless, all guaranteed to make type a personalities like me a walking basket case.

I don't need this stress on top of all the other things, it just feels like, I can't keep my head from going under. I want to lay down, and sleep for days. Life would be so perfect if I could afford to rest, and not worry about house, school, work, and wedding. I mean it when I say that I will take a break after August 13th. I will not take on anything above and beyond what I must do to survive. I will work, be with my new husband, sleep, read books, and hope that I get pregnant.

I don't know if you pray dear reader, but if you do, please say a small prayer for me. I am selfish to ask, I know...

I'm sorry for the roller coaster... I am hoping that be the end of next week I'll be in better shape.

I will survive... hey hey

July First:

I get in the car to drive home after work... Pictures of you is on my radio. I smile, because I do when the Cure comes on my radio, and drive to pick up wedding favor tags that I made myself because I am awesome. I get home and I have $400 worth of candles sitting in my entry way. I bought Kevin's wedding gift today, and sent the rent check and I am finally starting to feel like I can make it work... It has been one hell of a month dear reader.

Are things perfect?

No!

I have to get a new car (read car loan :( ) and I still feel as though some times people don't listen to me. My headaches are getting worse, and I worry that I'll become a serial killer because the pain is so intense sometimes I black out, but I am not sleeping, or at least I don't think I am. The wedding still has a lot of things to plan and that makes me crazy. I am smoking again which makes everyone crazy including me.

But I have it under control. For now. I don't cry, or fantasize about running away. I don't day dream about a different life, what could have been, or any of the other things that get me lost in time. I had a great interview for a new program manager job, I didn't lose my job, I didn't die in a plane crash, car crash, or tripping down the stairs accident. I didn't cheat, lie or steal. I didn't have to say good bye to any friends this week. I got a great complement from my adviser, I feel like school is finally coming to a close, and I am almost ready. I feel like I can make it...

I feel like I can make it...

I can make it.

I can.